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icebear
icebear
Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden, Plus Chris REA.
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MintbearsGalDec 16th, 2025 15:25
Right So Mum’s got her knickers in a twist again, and guess what?That’s not my faultwhen I spotted a frogNot just any frogThis thing looked like it’d just come back from leg dayBiceps on its kneesBuilt like a garden gnome that drinks protein shakesI thought, Mum is going to LOVE this unitSo I caught itSlippery little bodybuilder tried to wriggle free, but I clamped down sprinted inside with my prize, and went to find mumShe’s in the bathCandles, Bubbles, Trying to live her best life.Perfect time for a gift dropI pop the frog in the tubShe SCREAMSLike I’d dropped a toaster in thereI panic, obviouslyJump sky high and My tail hits a candleBoomI’m suddenly a feline fireworkTail’s on fireGreatSo what do I do?I launch myself into the toiletHeadfirstBecause I’m a genius under pressureMum, meanwhile, leaps out of the bath like a panicked walrus and SlipsFaceplants onto the bathroom floor, right into a little nugget of poop I’d left when I got scared by her screamingIt happens don’t judge!And the frog?That little legend jumps onto her head like he’s claiming EverestShe’s flailing, she’s shrieking, “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!”while wearing my poo and a frog crownAnd me?I’m sitting thereSoaking wetSmelling like toilet water and betrayalThinking, This is the thanks I get, For bringing her a gift?For enriching her life with adventure and protein powered wildlife?HonestlyNext time, she’s getting a dead leaf and a dirty lookUngrateful little drama walnutHahaha -
MintbearsGalDec 16th, 2025 15:17
Felixbellawillow isfeeling irritated in United Kingdom.
Incoming rantI’d like to formally address another unforgivable act committed in this householdLet me make one thing very clearWhen I am groomingI am BUSYI am bookedI am in a meetingI am performing essential maintenance on the luxury tuxedo Mother does absolutely nothing to help maintainI sit thereLeg upToes outDoing important hygieneLooking like a yoga instructor who’s lost the plotAnd THENA voice“Felix! What are you doing?”WHAT AM I DOING??I’m obviously not rewiring the boiler MotherI’m washing my arseThen she comes overTouches mePats meDISTURBS the grooming sessionAnd my leg is still in the air like a broken umbrellaMy dignity evaporating into space“Oh come on Felix, cuddle!”CUDDLE?!I am mid cleanI am in the middle of an intimate moment with my own kneecapImagine if I barged in on YOUWhile you’re showeringPut my paw on your faceAnd asked if you wanted affectionExactlyJailAnd when I stop grooming to stare at her in offended silenceLike the majestic, violated creature I amShe says,“Oh don’t give me that look.”THAT LOOK is the ONLY thing holding my sanity together, MotherTHAT LOOK is the only language you seem to understandLet me make the rules simpleDo not interruptDo not patDo not squealDo not narrateIf I am groomingI am unavailableSpirituallyEmotionallyProfessionallyHonestlySort yourselves out womanHahaha -
MintbearsGalDec 13th, 2025 18:12
Let’s talk about DadAnd more specificallyHis absolutely UNHINGED bathroom behaviourThis man goes to the toiletCloses the doorAnd VANISHESAn hour passesSometimes moreWhat is happening in there??Is he doing a poo or is he moving furniture?Writing a novel maybe?Opening a portal to another dimension?Because no creature on earth needs that longI sit outside waitingSupervisingConcernedBecause when I go for a poo, it’s a quick in and out job followed by a celebratory sprintWhich brings me to my next pointWhen Dad FINALLY reappearsDo we get after poop zoomies?NoDoes he charge round the house like a lunatic, tail high, full of pride?Also noDoes he announce his survival with energy and chaos?Absolutely notHe just emergesSlowly and calmlyLike nothing significant has happenedFather that is NOT how this worksWhere is the adrenalineWhere is the victory lapWhere is the manic sprint up and down the hallwayAnd then THE SMELLThe door opensAnd the atmosphere changesThe air gets HEAVYMy whiskers curlMy soul leaves my bodyIt rolls out behind him like a cursed fogSilentDeadlyIntentionalAnd he has the NERVE to act normalTo sit downTo exist among usLike he hasn’t just committed an environmental crimeMeanwhile I bury my business like a civilised gentlemanCover itRespectfullyThoughtfullyDad just flushes and walks awayLeaving the rest of us to process the traumaSo yes I judge himI glareI evacuate the room immediatelyFelix Bathroom supervisor, Air quality inspector and CEO of If I can do it in 30 seconds, so can youHahaha#Felix #FelixAndWillow #felixbellawillow
