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icebear
icebear
Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden, Plus Chris REA.
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MintbearsGalDec 22nd, 2025 09:23monday, 5:04amgood morning to the brave, the foolish,it did not, it has kicked the door off its hingesat 5:04am, i was awake on the landingflat on my side, one paw out like something had gone medically sidewayseyes openunmovingbreathing shallowlywaiting to see who’d panic firstat 5:05am, my stomach made a sound that confirmed what i already knewthis was neglectat 5:06am, i stood upthe way you do when you’ve decided this will be everyone’s problemi entered the bedroomdad was asleep on his side, arm flung back, armpit fully exposed to the worldopenunguardedmum was cocooned and unreachableso once again i made my choicei climbed onto the bed and positioned myself beside dad’s headsat, and leaned forward slowly until my nose was buried directly in his armpitnot sniffing politely, not a curious checka full, committed inhalethe kind you do when you’re trying to understand someone on a molecular leveldad flinched in his sleep, muttered something and shiftedi did not movei inhaled again longer this timethen without warning i began lickingslow, deliberate strokes, not frantic, not playful, like i was tasting a surface to see if it had changed overnightdad woke instantlyjerked upright with a strangled noise“FELIX STOP DOING THAT YOU WEIRDO”mum exploded laughing beside him actual tears, full body shaking“HE’S LICKING YOUR ARMPIT OH MY COD”dad clutched the duvet to his chest with his face twisted in betrayal“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT FELIX THATS SO GROSS”because, father you left it outhe tried to roll away so i followed maintaining eye contact, and placed one paw gently on his cheek, holding his face in place, not aggressive, just firm, like a warning labelhe frozeAnd whispered “why is he touching my face like that”because, father this is a feedback sessiondad recoiled, tried to roll away, dragged the duvet with him like a wounded animal attempting escapeso i adjustedi climbed onto his chest and satnot loafedsat uprightthen, with intention, i turned and positioned my entire backside mere inches from his faceclose enough that he could feel the warmththe presence, the threathe frozeeyes open now staring directly into my arse at point blank rangemum was hysterical fully cryingdad whispered, hollow, defeated“why is his bum so close to my mouth”because, fatherpersonal space was cancelledhe got up immediatelyno discussionno resistanceJust a man who understands when authority has shiftedby 5:21am, breakfast appeared without ceremonyby 5:34am, i was asleep snuggled up to mum purring like nothing happenedthe famine?resolvedthe dignity?obliteratedthe legacy?rear facingfelix armpit investigator, chest squatter, close range menace, chaos in formalwear -
MintbearsGalDec 16th, 2025 15:25
Right So Mum’s got her knickers in a twist again, and guess what?That’s not my faultwhen I spotted a frogNot just any frogThis thing looked like it’d just come back from leg dayBiceps on its kneesBuilt like a garden gnome that drinks protein shakesI thought, Mum is going to LOVE this unitSo I caught itSlippery little bodybuilder tried to wriggle free, but I clamped down sprinted inside with my prize, and went to find mumShe’s in the bathCandles, Bubbles, Trying to live her best life.Perfect time for a gift dropI pop the frog in the tubShe SCREAMSLike I’d dropped a toaster in thereI panic, obviouslyJump sky high and My tail hits a candleBoomI’m suddenly a feline fireworkTail’s on fireGreatSo what do I do?I launch myself into the toiletHeadfirstBecause I’m a genius under pressureMum, meanwhile, leaps out of the bath like a panicked walrus and SlipsFaceplants onto the bathroom floor, right into a little nugget of poop I’d left when I got scared by her screamingIt happens don’t judge!And the frog?That little legend jumps onto her head like he’s claiming EverestShe’s flailing, she’s shrieking, “GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!”while wearing my poo and a frog crownAnd me?I’m sitting thereSoaking wetSmelling like toilet water and betrayalThinking, This is the thanks I get, For bringing her a gift?For enriching her life with adventure and protein powered wildlife?HonestlyNext time, she’s getting a dead leaf and a dirty lookUngrateful little drama walnutHahaha -
MintbearsGalDec 16th, 2025 15:17
Felixbellawillow isfeeling irritated in United Kingdom.
Incoming rantI’d like to formally address another unforgivable act committed in this householdLet me make one thing very clearWhen I am groomingI am BUSYI am bookedI am in a meetingI am performing essential maintenance on the luxury tuxedo Mother does absolutely nothing to help maintainI sit thereLeg upToes outDoing important hygieneLooking like a yoga instructor who’s lost the plotAnd THENA voice“Felix! What are you doing?”WHAT AM I DOING??I’m obviously not rewiring the boiler MotherI’m washing my arseThen she comes overTouches mePats meDISTURBS the grooming sessionAnd my leg is still in the air like a broken umbrellaMy dignity evaporating into space“Oh come on Felix, cuddle!”CUDDLE?!I am mid cleanI am in the middle of an intimate moment with my own kneecapImagine if I barged in on YOUWhile you’re showeringPut my paw on your faceAnd asked if you wanted affectionExactlyJailAnd when I stop grooming to stare at her in offended silenceLike the majestic, violated creature I amShe says,“Oh don’t give me that look.”THAT LOOK is the ONLY thing holding my sanity together, MotherTHAT LOOK is the only language you seem to understandLet me make the rules simpleDo not interruptDo not patDo not squealDo not narrateIf I am groomingI am unavailableSpirituallyEmotionallyProfessionallyHonestlySort yourselves out womanHahaha -
MintbearsGalDec 13th, 2025 18:12
Let’s talk about DadAnd more specificallyHis absolutely UNHINGED bathroom behaviourThis man goes to the toiletCloses the doorAnd VANISHESAn hour passesSometimes moreWhat is happening in there??Is he doing a poo or is he moving furniture?Writing a novel maybe?Opening a portal to another dimension?Because no creature on earth needs that longI sit outside waitingSupervisingConcernedBecause when I go for a poo, it’s a quick in and out job followed by a celebratory sprintWhich brings me to my next pointWhen Dad FINALLY reappearsDo we get after poop zoomies?NoDoes he charge round the house like a lunatic, tail high, full of pride?Also noDoes he announce his survival with energy and chaos?Absolutely notHe just emergesSlowly and calmlyLike nothing significant has happenedFather that is NOT how this worksWhere is the adrenalineWhere is the victory lapWhere is the manic sprint up and down the hallwayAnd then THE SMELLThe door opensAnd the atmosphere changesThe air gets HEAVYMy whiskers curlMy soul leaves my bodyIt rolls out behind him like a cursed fogSilentDeadlyIntentionalAnd he has the NERVE to act normalTo sit downTo exist among usLike he hasn’t just committed an environmental crimeMeanwhile I bury my business like a civilised gentlemanCover itRespectfullyThoughtfullyDad just flushes and walks awayLeaving the rest of us to process the traumaSo yes I judge himI glareI evacuate the room immediatelyFelix Bathroom supervisor, Air quality inspector and CEO of If I can do it in 30 seconds, so can youHahaha#Felix #FelixAndWillow #felixbellawillow
