jules1066
Scottish Joke!!
A Scottish man walking through a field, see's a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye eijt, can yeh no tell that's foo o coos keich'
(Translated- Don't drink the water its full cows ( ). )
The man shouts back ' I'm English, speak English, I can't understand you.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands laddy, you'll get more in.
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Credit Crunch Tips
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names you don't know.
Don't waste money on expensive ipods, just think of a tune and hum it, when you want to change tracks just think of another one and hum that one instead.
Don't waste your money on a paper shredder to prevent your identity being stolen, simply place a few dog turds in with your old bank statements.
Prevent burglars stealing all your possesions by simply taking them all to bed with you and then in the morning just put them all back.
Don't waste money on expensive binoculars, just stand closer to the thing you want to view.
An empty aluminium cigar holder full of angry wasps, makes for an excellent vibrator.
Save on electricity by turning off all your lights and walk round in a miners helmet.
The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one, is to pay for the one in the trolley and put the other one in your pocket.
Save a fortune on laundry, give all your stuff to Oxfam, they will wash and iron it for you, then you can buy it back for 50p.
Old people, if you feel cold this winter, just go outside without your coat on for ten minutes, you'll feel the benefit when you go back inside.
Shoppers, when buying oranges, peel them before you get them weighed.
Women: Don't waste time faking orgasms, men dont care anyway, and you will have loads of energy to hoover up after you've finished.
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Students at a local school were assinged two books to read 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that the books were nearly identical stories!
His professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic costs:- £29.99
Clinton costs:- £29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Rose and Jack, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bull( ) artist
Titanic: In one scene Jack enjoys a cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During the ordeal Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Lets not go there.....
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return all her gifts
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Doesnt remember Jack
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...oooohhhh....lets not go there either
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary, basically the same thing
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A Scottish man walking through a field, see's a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.
The Scottish man shouts ' Awa ye eijt, can yeh no tell that's foo o coos keich'
(Translated- Don't drink the water its full cows ( ). )
The man shouts back ' I'm English, speak English, I can't understand you.
The Scottish man shouts back 'Use both hands laddy, you'll get more in.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Credit Crunch Tips
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names you don't know.
Don't waste money on expensive ipods, just think of a tune and hum it, when you want to change tracks just think of another one and hum that one instead.
Don't waste your money on a paper shredder to prevent your identity being stolen, simply place a few dog turds in with your old bank statements.
Prevent burglars stealing all your possesions by simply taking them all to bed with you and then in the morning just put them all back.
Don't waste money on expensive binoculars, just stand closer to the thing you want to view.
An empty aluminium cigar holder full of angry wasps, makes for an excellent vibrator.
Save on electricity by turning off all your lights and walk round in a miners helmet.
The best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one, is to pay for the one in the trolley and put the other one in your pocket.
Save a fortune on laundry, give all your stuff to Oxfam, they will wash and iron it for you, then you can buy it back for 50p.
Old people, if you feel cold this winter, just go outside without your coat on for ten minutes, you'll feel the benefit when you go back inside.
Shoppers, when buying oranges, peel them before you get them weighed.
Women: Don't waste time faking orgasms, men dont care anyway, and you will have loads of energy to hoover up after you've finished.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Students at a local school were assinged two books to read 'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that the books were nearly identical stories!
His professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic costs:- £29.99
Clinton costs:- £29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Rose and Jack, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a bull( ) artist
Titanic: In one scene Jack enjoys a cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill
Titanic: During the ordeal Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Lets not go there.....
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return all her gifts
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
Clinton: Doesnt remember Jack
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
Clinton: Monica...oooohhhh....lets not go there either
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary, basically the same thing
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